One of the most stressful parts of planning the wedding is how to handle the guest list. It is a balance between what you can afford, who you "should" invite and who you "want" to invite. Avoiding the political backlash of not inviting someone is going to be unavoidable but how you express the choices you make is what make situation much easier.
I can hear some of you already saying to yourselves... "Its my wedding and I will invite who I want and if they don't like it, too bad." In a perfect world, families will understand how expensive weddings are and be supportive of your well thought out, considerate decisions, but the truth is that is not the case. Unfortunately, any decisions you make, even taking public responsibility, could be speculated by family and/or friends that the soon to be spouse had something to do with their removal from the list.
When I consult my clients on their guests lists I have a few words of advice on this process....
Leaving immediate family out of the following, here are a few ways that can help reduce your guests list.
- All cuts should be across both families. Politically, its the only way to go.
- Stop at a generational line such as first cousins. I come from a rather large family and even adding first cousins could make for quite an extensive list.
- Cut at an age, such as no one under the age of 18 or 21.
- Remove out of town guests.
On the other had, here are some items that you should do:
- Invite everyone from the generational line. For example: I have one brother and three sisters. Two of us received invitations to a cousins wedding and three of us did not. Three of us lived locally and two did not. Any way you slice it, this looked bad for the couple to the rest of the family.
- Apologize for not inviting those who may have wanted to attend. Explaining that space is limited and you are not able to invite everyone is the single best way to circumvent bad feelings. This is something that should be done BEFORE the invitations are sent out. Most will understand, and opening it up to attending only the ceremony may help be a compromise and allow the individual an opportunity to support your marriage and be a part of the day.
- Have a "B" list. As you receive regrets, you can add people to the invitation list. There are some techniques to managing this which will be discussed in the invitation blog post later, but first and foremost, don't tell anyone you have a "B" invite list.
Blending two families is not an easy task and I work with my clients to give them advice that should be the middle ground on family politics. I have many couples who blame the space limitations on me and I am okay with that. Taking the heat off of the bride and groom is what I do. This option may not be available to you if you are doing all the planning yourself.
Whichever way you cut the guest list, do it fairly and with honesty. The last thing you want is family politics overshadowing your wedding day.